I shut my mouth with you

If I Could Ask God Just One Question; Why Aren't You Here With Me?
Won't let you fall
Fall out of love
'Cause together we'll be holding on
'Cause all we have is us
Won't let you go
Go away again
Because life don't mean nothing at all
If I don't have your love

this weekend was a wack! wiggity wack? nope, just regular type.. but still a wack cause i met up with my favourite people, naddie and yvonne. today was GFS DAY. we went towning and we did alot of girl stuff.. some of which involved giggling, chatting bout sec sch days, talking about disgusting people, laughing at everything, comforting each other, hugging, and goofing around. y'know, things that girls do... being with them just takes me away from my shitty reality for awhile. tho its only awhile, but it was worth every minute of it- with them, of course man!

Naddie gave me and Y some bubblepop? its like this bubblegum-cum-lollipop candy she brought back from states. and then that idiot-darling insist on buying us lunch at PastaM. THANK YOU! mwahmwahmwahs! whilst enjoying the food, we did a lil heart-to-heart talk and reminding each other that we'll be there for one another and how much we love each other. after lunch, we camwhored a lil and then Y left for her dad's birthday dinner. (thank you Y! for extending your time with us! we appreciate it!) so me and N walked to taka and chilled and checked out some bloody adorable dogs at this dog fair of some sort. after that, N and i hugged, blew each other kisses and bid our goodbyes.

N and Y, you girls are my anti-depressant! xoxo

watcha' lookin' at, dude?

introducing: MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS! ♥

fuck that lady behind me! SPOILER.

lick it good, bebeh!(ok fuck, i realized i've a disgusting long tongue)

unglam monster. -.-

;8:16 PM

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

i had a dream last night. we were all partying at DEBORAH LIM'S house at 8 Binjai Rise. DICK LEE, deborah's neighbour, was one of them in the crowd too! HAHA WTF. and then a cop was trying to give me a ticket for parking my car outside of deb's house.. he said i cant park my car outside cos the land where my car is on, doesnt belongs to me/deborah. but he had to meet up with us at this house(which is abt 5km away from deb's place) to give the ticket to me.. but he never showed.. and everyone was like "dude you have to call the police's department, dude they'll suspend your license".. so i'm outside trying to call these fuckers.. and i remember being really pissed because there was a party going on back in deb's place, and i just knew (through psychic powers) that (sexy)boys were in there getting naked.. (?)

thanks dream, if only i REALLY own a car. you ass.

PS. if one more person in my dreams/public calls me "dude", im going to eat them.
im not a dude, dude.

okay i made this movie last night cos i was bored. look at how MUCH we changed! alright i know this video is so gay but do i look like i care?

;8:42 PM

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

What The Fudge.

are you kidding me?
i REMEMBERED that i did not catch the finale of project runway and i never knew who the winner was. so i visited youtube and caught the finale online. santino's stuff did kinda dissapoint. so did daniel v's, but i love him, he's SEXY. chloe's was well, urrgh i gotta admit, better than dan's. im just pissed that she totally didnt give a shit. like i know santino or dan would've freaked out if they won. homegirl owns her own business & shit, she didnt need to win. but whatever, i wanted daniel franco to win anyways. (check out the video below, funny shit)

so i've been sleeping a lot lately. it sucks.
almost everything at home is spoilt.
our kitchen sink is broken and shoots water all over the place.
and some plumber did something to our shower & now the water comes out like a jet engine.
the remote control for the tv in my living room is being a bitch, i fed it new batteries but still not working.
mom and i are gonna start sparring each other on the tennis court? for health purposes?
i wanna sign up for kickboxing classes. hmmm.
and i watched 10 things i hate about you. twice.
it could have been better if there's you.

im so (fill in the blanks) today, that i think im going to fall asleep.

what'd YOU do?

;4:25 PM

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Do You Think We'll Make It?

The gym costs money.

i really love hugging the toilet and throwing up all of my insides. its FANTASTIC.

i hate confusion, and i hate frustration. i hate hang-ups. i hate guilt. i hate worry. i hate stress and anger.

now, please excuse me while i pass out on the bathroom floor for several hours.

imy.

;3:19 PM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

You're Cum
Wait
I have to tell
You something
Important
Stay
Remain close to me
So I can feel important

its a saturday and im stucked at home, and my mom left for malacca this morning. i know its even better if i stay out late or ton with my friends tonight, but nah... reasons are; 1)im trying to be good 2)too lazy to get my ass outta house 3)no cash. i woke up around 3 today and i felt a sudden feeling of emptiness, prolly cos my mom's not at home nagging at me to get my ass outta bed. in short, i think i missed her. ya ya go ahead and laugh at me for being sucha mommy's girl. at least im honest about how i feel towards my mom unlike some of you big fucks who wanna act like you can live without your parents. i love my mom, just that sometimes she's like a fly that wont go away no matter how many times you shoo it away. its like a love-hate thing lah.. anyboos, so i text my mom "can you receive my sms?" and waited. and waited. to no avail until now. :( sickening josephine... must be having a ball of a time in malacca with her church mates and left her poor daughter in singapore to rot.. btw josephine is my mom's name. i like to call her by her name. i know its rude, but she likes it anyway.

my maid went shopping with our upstairs neighbour's maid. tmr starts the puasa month for the muslims. puasa = fasting. perhaps i should follow the muslims and fast too, and who knows i might lose some fats! okay i shall think about this tonight while in bed. i ate finished some leftover spag for lunch today and then i watched A Walk To Remember on my computer. almost every scene was so touching. me reckons that mandy moore is a hot babe. and shane west makes me melt! it was a really great movie, even though its like my 32742874th times watching it. i still cried at the end though... Hi5!

im bored and i wanna vent about someone...
i cant stand you. you're a loser, nobody likes you. you and your friends are just some Ah Lians wannabe Mean Girls, and i'm definitely not the first person to say or think it. i have no idea what it was that ever drove me to open my mouth to you again at JurongEast mrt station. you have the worst behaviour on the planet, thinking that you're a big fuck with branded Guess belt, Bebe clothes, LV wallet/bags... well, 'thank you' for keeping out of my life, and 'sorry' that i ever bothered having you as part of it. trust me, i wont lose any sleep tonight because of you. stop all your acting, youre making me sick. im glad im out of NewTown or else looking at a bunch of material girls like you only make me wish i wasnt even born. and i know your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, nyahahaha! youre scum! any newtowner reading this might know who im referring to. go figure.

i am mean. get over it.

;9:26 PM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Of Course. That's What All Straight-Edge Kids Do.

If only your wallet photograph could talk..

for the first time since i cant even remember, my mom gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and she said "I love you" before she left for some appointment this morning. this is so rare for me, that it would be equivalent of getting eaten by a shark while taking a bath. you just don't think that it happens, and when it does...youre kind of like "wtf? i cant believe that just happened!" and you dont know what goes next. it makes me feel so awkward.

hmm. i have something to vent about. dont take it the wrong way. i am in a rather oh-kay mood, but these two things just really annoys me when it happens.

1. making friends is jawesome, trash talking people is not. i admit that every now and then i get sucked into the gossip hullabaloo...but some people i tell you, they need to just ease up on it. i think it makes you look twice as bad when you say rude things about someone else, as opposed to the goal of making said person look bad. notice the emphasise on jawesome? just my 2cents.
2. namedropping is very annoying. talking about your famous friends only makes you look worse. it makes you look desperate and boring. are you that malcontent with your life that you resort to talking about things that aren't really there to make it look more entertaining? please, you're not that boring. chasing down every well-known person in some sort of attempt to fit into a haut monde? get real. what is wrong with your every day friends, that you need to try and force yourself into a different crowd? if you are that unhappy with your life, then make it more interesting by learning something new or putting your effort into something that will make you look good. show off your skills, and not the ones that other people possess. standing with the idolized clique can definitely make one look good, because after all, you are the company you keep...but talking about them, and boasting about it can make you look weak. everyone does it at one point in their life or another, but when you do it so much that it's what you become known for, then maybe its time to stop? on another note, i also really hate it when other people tidy up my table.

other than that, i have nothing else to say besides do drugs, throw bricks, burn churches, get trashed, eat babies, and listen to Anthrax.

I half carrot three you.

;3:38 PM

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I wouldn't trade anything. You're still my everything.

I am such a sucker. I was the one worth leaving.
When it rains, it pours.
I am so sore
I am so sorry
You can do so
Much better.
I can't run anymore. I think I'm going to fall again.
Im just about to fall for it.
Almost...

today is one of 'those days'. one of those rainy, cloudy, emotional, just-wanna-stay-in-bed-all-day-long days. turn your phone off, and stay put. don't bother getting dressed, you're not going anywhere.

i have a love/hate relationship with these days. i hate them, because they make me feel lonely and vulnerable, but at the same time i love them. they're perfect for being lazy, and they cause everybody else's emotions to steep, which means that it won't be hard to find someone else to sponge countless hugs from.

lately i have developed a little bit of a temper. i get somewhat snappy and worked up when someone says or does something that I assume is them trying to push my buttons. im not really sure what it is, but i've just felt mega stressed out and tired in the past while. i apologize in advance to everyone who has to be near me, or talk to me.

i am so bitter and tired. i just want to sleep for a whole day. i want a break from trying to make others upset when they are happy. i want a hug, and a cup of tea. i want anything that makes me forget the mess. right now i need a boost.
i hope you miss me too.

today was such a fail.
end...ending...ended.

PS. To You Know Who You Are:
thank you for being the arms to help me off the ground when the weight is too much on my own. thank you for believing that an ugly duckling can become a swan. thank you for the better part of my life, and the better yet to come. thank you for making every hug and every kiss complete. thank you for never fading. thank you for the trust. you're beautiful. you're selfless, mannerly, and kind. you deserve the best, so dont accept anything less than that. when you feel like second best is all you're entitled to, i will be there for you. you're still my everything...

;7:53 PM

Saturday, September 16, 2006

What It Is.
i talked for hours to your wallet photograph
and you just listened.

sometimes we have to put up with shit that brings us down, because it helps us grow a spine and deal with the mother load whenever and wherever it may happen. having garbage dumped on us is what generally makes us a stronger person, and it shows us that being a fuck to somebody else doesnt go very far.

when someone rubs verbal acid in your eyes, it doesnt make you blind, it just helps you to see how insecure and low-fruit some people can get. do yourself a favor, and dont invest your time on someone who makes you feel any less than what you are. it will benefit you in the long run.

im fucking tired of the bullshit that some people think they can push on me. my heart beats to keep me alive, and if i decide to let my watch run on somebody else's time, then itss because they're good to me, not because they treated me like trash.

act like a fuck to me, and i can personally guarantee that im not going to hang around and wait for your approval.

wrapping things up, i'd like to send a thank you out to every person who ever insulted me, shut me down, wasted my time, wasted my trust, or made a fool out of me. here i am, feeling insecure about myself as a whole, and i owe it all to you. you, as in those who needed to bring someone else down in order to climb higher, and in the end turned out to be useless to themselves and everything around them.

;9:55 PM

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Why do people get emotional when it rains?

its raining now and i wished my heart was made of stone.

sometimes i think that i might walk out my front door, with nothing but a suitcase full of the things that are most important to me. before i close the door, i would write a letter for my family, telling them that i'll be leaving for awhile, that im okay, and that i'll talk to them soon. there would be no going away party. i would leave this city, and go somewhere else. a place where i dont know anyone, and nobody knows me. maybe i'd choose to go to Perth or some beach island in Malaysia, just somewhere peaceful, quiet, totally opposite from the city-life. sg is so "noisy" dont you think so? everyone/everything's so busy, hectic, chaotic, crazy, stressful, etc etc the list goes on. thats why im living in the west side, so much quieter, and free cocoa smell to inhale+enjoy every now and then. okay thats not the point, but nevermind.

i would forget all of the disappointing things that i had said and done, and i'd forget about the things and people who ever caused me to be jaded and bitter. i would stay the same, but i would change everything around me, and the small things about myself that i felt needed to be altered. my flaws would be minimized, and there would be nobody who knew the extent of how unbecoming i can be. i would remodel who i am right now.

in my new place, i would do things differently. i'd have saved up enough money to buy myself new possessions, like the ones i had before i left. i would meet new people and make new friends. i'd be able to start over again and do things the way i wished i had done them, after i messed up.

when the time is right, i'll pack up the same suitcase i left with, and go home. by the time i come back, some people may have forgotten about me, while others might have been waiting for me every day. maybe i'll have missed out on important events, such as weddings and funerals. everything might look different, or everything might be right where i left it. i wont know until im there.

to temporarily be somewhere else, where one can forget about their troubles and do something new and different. i know that you think about the same thing from time to time. i dont think that i'll ever be standing in a room where there is one person who hasnt thought about it, at least once, even for just a few seconds. no matter how rich, poor, famous, unknown, smart, or stupid. some people think about it for hours, and days at a time. others might actually do it. it depends on whether youre 'talk' or 'action'. i still dont know if im talk or action. whether or not you can make sense or relate to what i just said, was not my point.

i know that you believe that you understand what you think i said, but seriously, i dont think you know a shit abt what im talking. everythings so fucked up; the scene, the family, the so-called friends, life..

maybe i think too much, or maybe you dont think enough.

;4:04 PM

Monday, September 11, 2006

Wouldnt it be nice...

i wonder what it feels like to have someone say, "I like you", "I love you", or "I miss you", without saying it to 15 other girls.

i'm sure that it feels nice.

it's nobody in general, really.
i was just thinking, that every time there has been a mutual connection between myself and another... i was never really the only girl in the picture. it had never been said to just myself.
i don't care how self-centered that might make me.

i sound pathetic. i shall go wallow in self-pity now. goodbye.

oh btw, Happy September 11th to you.

;3:16 PM

this week has been draining in every sense of the word. im just far too lazy to recall all that has occured,let alone to record them down here. you wouldnt have enjoyed my week much anyway.

i felt a whole damn assortment, variation of feelings today that ranged from being really at peace then to feeling extremely dejected--god only knows why. on the contrary though my morning was pleasant. walking to the bus stop, gawking at the extremely large banana for breakfast, humming the Jesus Love Me song (wtfff!), and enjoyed the super windy morning breeze. actually today was generally fine except for the times when i was left alone to indulge in morbidly depressing thoughts, retrospection has gotten the better of me.

I need to...
-have starbucks
-leave all the peripheral things aside, delay procrastination and STUDY
-pray more(?)
-eat less junk, less meat, more veg
-stop indulging in the past
-not be so easily annoyed with people
-just drop dead/get high

NOTE:to whom it may concern:this may sound highly bitchy and fucked up so reader's discretion is advised.

-I do not...
like you
acknowlegde you much
know you in person

-So why...
do you exist and make my life miserable

this is all fan-fuckingtastic

;2:32 PM

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

i know i just blogged yesterday but i cannot resist the temptation to blog again. i just have to blog. well no, actually, i just have to talk. school had been as mundane as ever to the extent that i even dread waking up; thinking of the many tests that i didnt study for,the topics that i dont know shit about, that horrible feeling of failure that constantly lingers in th pit of my stomach; i think ive almost grown accustomed to it.

it's ironic that the people that keep me sane are all actually quite psychotic themselves. i think i'd just be some demented loser if it weren't for my gfs, schoolmates and few others. --you guys make everything worth it :)
although looking on the bright side;oh wait...
there is no bright side.

ive bloody caught on to pmsy-mood today, like finally. ive been feeling so ughh the past few days, but i just kept quiet. and today, i burst like puss coming out from a pimple. ok fuck thats sick. anyway, i wish i have someone who'd let me scream/whine/piss and grumble at right NOW! now now NOW!!! im not having menses lah for goodness sake, just feeling pmsy! WHY! :(

i saw this dead lizard at my condo. its not those lizard you find at home, im referring to those big ones you see climbing up trees. not komodo dragon la haiyo! its abt the size of a chameleon. yah THAT type of lizard. what made it worse is that, the lizard got ran over by a car(i supposed) and then its body became fucking flat like rotiprata and all its organs are protruding! like you can see all the liver, intestines etc etc. most of its insides looked maroon and purple, but some parts looked BLUE! bluek! what the blue fuck type of lizard is that?! fucking fucking fucking ccb knn sick! i gagged when i saw that piece of meat laying there as if its stuck to the ground or smth. shit, where the piece of meat is laying right now is where i have to walk everyday. fuck i think i have no other choice but to take the long cut. up yours! you bloody lizard. at first i felt sorry for the lizard lah, but then i got turned off immediately when i took a closer look. sorry lah. cant blame me. i hope the cleaner get rid of the minced/distorted/disfigured/flattened/fuckingsick/pathetic lizard soon. okay sorry for making a big hoo-ha abt a stupid lizard.

-saw this ahcek walking by the pool barefooted and digging his nose with his pinky;say it with me ya'll-eeeyer!!!
-my cravings for ben&jerrys have not been fufilled as yet.
-effing blood sucking mosquitos are having a ball of a time draining my blood.
-i would like to dedicate britney's "You Drive Me Crazy" to my mom, she says the music i listen to is making me worship Satan. like wtf right? fine, I LOVE YOU SATAN! whatever lah ma..
-a searing headache to top it all off.

i think i'll be commiting suicide next year after collecting my results, my classmates and i have it all planned out. please make full use of your last year with me, you'll miss me.
im going to give up swearing for the rest of the week, so please dont tempt me.

;3:02 PM

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Life seriously wouldnt have been the same without you. ('o')

all these religion (shit) thingy is making me crazy. prolly my faith isnt that strong, but idk lar. my mom's tryna get me used to not eating meat on fridays now. its like a catholic thing going on, i dunno whats the main reason, all i know is that catholics arent supposed to have meat on fridays. everyone at home has been practicing it since forever except for this girl named theresa lam. haha. i dunno lar just not used to it. yea it may seem pretty easy to not eat meat for a day, but when the day really comes, meat just seems unavoidable! so i gave into temptation and ate chickenchop last friday. ok so im going to hell but nevermind george bush will be there too to greet me when i arrive.

anyway i came to know that that crocodile hunter fella, Steve Irwin, was killed by a STINGRAY yesterday. it wouldnt be much of a surprise to me if he was killed by a crocodile or snake or shark, but STINGRAY??? tell me about it. the news mentioned that he was pierced in the chest and straight through the heart by a stingray's venomous tail thingy. what a pity. no more man-wrestling-with-crocodile show anymore. my condolences.

movie marathon-ed at my place today with few of my cousins today after school.
this conversation went on whilst watching Drumline with me and donna salivating over Nick Cannon;
donna: i'm sure you wanna be his drum right?
me: -grins- so he can hit me with his stick all day?
donna: theresa theresa.. what will i do with you...

ahhh if only that REALLY happens... ok stop it theresa, stop! but i'd prefer if its axl rose, slapping his whatever. ohmygod... ok fuck stop fantasizing theresa, stop, bitch. im not horny okay, its just that axl is such a sexy beast then, NOT NOW! i bet now he looks like some drug-addict with wrinkles everywhere and hair with gazillion split ends. gross. regardless of how old/ugly he is now, hes still my sexy bitch alright. axl oh axl.. where for art thou axl rose..

i am so sad, angsty, frustrated, dumb, jealous, siao, dead, useless and ughhh!
ok im going to wallow in self-pity now. goodbye.

i miss feeling you and the taste of cigarettes
september never stays this cold...

;8:35 PM