I shut my mouth with you

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
i really really really miss seeing some of my friends that i use to see. but now its 2007 and blablabla, its different but why. (i guess they have their own lives? and i have mine too?) and sometimes, the things you want them to change, dont change. but the things that you dont want to, does..

so here, again. i really cared, but the distance caught up with me and you. you never said anything, so for that i am disappointed in you. you never said anything, therefore i cannot hold a grudge. few and far betweens kept me going. but lack of communication and abrupt ends, do i need to say anything more..? i get used to being turned. but i dont think thats something anyone should actually get used to. what can i do to prove to everyone that my heart is in the right place? what can i do to show those who knows/"knows" me that im not what they think i am. ive done so many things to be condemned. but its how i treat each individual, that should really matter. but how do i treat you? personally? take it for what it is.

im still very young and all that but why things happen again and again just to remind me that life is never a bed of bloody roses. im just a teenager, so please cut me some slack. i dont deserve all of these, i kept telling myself. i dont even think i might live through my teenage-hood. please, whoever, i dont need too many of such reminder, im borne with it, with "life is never a bed of roses" in my blood. so please, go away reminders. i want to feel appreciated, for once. i keep smiling, keep hoping. but i suppose sometimes its just a front. because like every other human being, i hurt, ache, and cry. and now i hate to go to bed and lie on my pillow which reeks of tears, loneliness and self-pity.. its not that i keep holding on, i never let it go... this entire post is so fucking pathetic. i am, pathetic..

goodnight.

;3:15 AM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I'll Never Break Your Heart
and so i fell asleep last night with backstreet boys playing on my ipod. shameless to say, i still love them boys! or should i say MEN, since now theyre no longer cute and whatsoever. i dont care what you think, to me, bsb aint gay and you know it! :)

im down with flu today but it aint bothering me at all cos...things are looking up! everything is back to normal again, which is a good thing. and by next month, mom and i will do some househunting around west side. and i do hope i'll start work immediately. and hopefully i'll sign up for bike lessons when july comes. i also want a hamster so bad now. i am going to adopt one as soon as we move in to our new home. i'll get a dwarf hamster and i want to name him Booboo. and i'll feed him with lots of food everyday till hes round and fat like a tennis ball. great.

i have an advice for ppl who are crazy stressed out over work/school/whatever. eat cake, sweets, ice creams and chocolate. chocolate is scientifically proven to relieve stress and lift the blues. so.. eat chocolate! life's short - dont count the calories. :) and i have a feeling that noone reads my blog. lol it doesnt matter, just a random thought lah. im boreddd. sometimes i wish for life to be more exciting, but nah.. im contented(for now). all in all, things are good.

alright im off to do some reading. danielle steel, here i come!

;10:15 PM

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Stairway to nowhere..
[Current Mood] frustrated
{Listening To] rachael yamagata - worn me down

"...because it's actually pretty funny how those boys wipe off their make up, pull off their girls jeans, throw on a pair of camo shorts, a bandana, & listen to madball terror then suddenly they become insta-hardcore tough guys. pretending like they've been around forever. i fucking hate people like that..." - quoted from some fella on some website.

people find it hard to commit nowadays.
to anything, not just relationships, but anything... work, school, friends... etc. so this distance i feel doesnt seem to be making my life any easier. on the other hand, distance is whats needed to clarify what has to be done. okay im contradicting blablabla nevermind.. so i had a pretty shite weekend. from fighting with my mom, to financials, to worry, to other shitsss. i hate this.

ive been staying at home for the past 8 days and counting. something like hibernation. and ive been thinking deep about those days when i shaved my head and pierced my cheeks. "why i do that ah?", i asked myself. so.. ive concluded that i liked what i was doing back then and wanted to be an individual. perhaps, i wanted to look garang so that people will think im a strong person when in actual fact im like a piece of tofu; super sensitive, soft and fragile. i cry over things that i will never be able to control. and with that shaved head and studs on my face image, everyone treats and look at me differently, and i dont really like it when that happens. i hate that kinda attention, it makes me feel alien-nated, so uncomfortable. gahh, im just glad that im done and over with that shaved-head-w/-holes-all-over-face thing. having that "reputation" or "image" doesnt matter to me anymore, i swear.

i hope in abt 5 months time i'll be sitting on my sofa in my new apartment halfway across the west side. chain smoking, drinking tea and doing whatnot. and maybe i'll get a dog to acc me and my mom, preferably a golden retriever or a beagle. and not forgetting a ps2 in my living room, so i could play whenever ive done too much stoning or i could invite few friends over for a game and have a mini party after that. talking abt games, if i were to be in a game, i want to fly a spaceship and blow up stuffs. and i want to run around with a big gun, shooting people and getting shot myself. i want to run around with WW2 weapons, jump in aircraft and take the battle to the sky! hurhur so exciting..! alright i think all these hibernating at home thing is fucking up my brain pretty badly. okay nevermind. i miss getting high.. i have some teen angst inside me. and im talking out of topic.. whatever i couldnt be bothered anymore cos some other shit on my mind is bothering me.

i just wish friday night didnt happen.. i wish you felt the same.. i miss so many people. sad.

;7:12 PM