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Theresa Beatrice Lam.
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Sunday, May 06, 2007
Stairway to nowhere..

[Current Mood] frustrated
{Listening To] rachael yamagata - worn me down


"...because it's actually pretty funny how those boys wipe off their make up, pull off their girls jeans, throw on a pair of camo shorts, a bandana, & listen to madball terror then suddenly they become insta-hardcore tough guys. pretending like they've been around forever. i fucking hate people like that..." - quoted from some fella on some website.

people find it hard to commit nowadays.
to anything, not just relationships, but anything... work, school, friends... etc. so this distance i feel doesnt seem to be making my life any easier. on the other hand, distance is whats needed to clarify what has to be done. okay im contradicting blablabla nevermind.. so i had a pretty shite weekend. from fighting with my mom, to financials, to worry, to other shitsss. i hate this.

ive been staying at home for the past 8 days and counting. something like hibernation. and ive been thinking deep about those days when i shaved my head and pierced my cheeks. "why i do that ah?", i asked myself. so.. ive concluded that i liked what i was doing back then and wanted to be an individual. perhaps, i wanted to look garang so that people will think im a strong person when in actual fact im like a piece of tofu; super sensitive, soft and fragile. i cry over things that i will never be able to control. and with that shaved head and studs on my face image, everyone treats and look at me differently, and i dont really like it when that happens. i hate that kinda attention, it makes me feel alien-nated, so uncomfortable. gahh, im just glad that im done and over with that shaved-head-w/-holes-all-over-face thing. having that "reputation" or "image" doesnt matter to me anymore, i swear.

i hope in abt 5 months time i'll be sitting on my sofa in my new apartment halfway across the west side. chain smoking, drinking tea and doing whatnot. and maybe i'll get a dog to acc me and my mom, preferably a golden retriever or a beagle. and not forgetting a ps2 in my living room, so i could play whenever ive done too much stoning or i could invite few friends over for a game and have a mini party after that. talking abt games, if i were to be in a game, i want to fly a spaceship and blow up stuffs. and i want to run around with a big gun, shooting people and getting shot myself. i want to run around with WW2 weapons, jump in aircraft and take the battle to the sky! hurhur so exciting..! alright i think all these hibernating at home thing is fucking up my brain pretty badly. okay nevermind. i miss getting high.. i have some teen angst inside me. and im talking out of topic.. whatever i couldnt be bothered anymore cos some other shit on my mind is bothering me.

i just wish friday night didnt happen.. i wish you felt the same.. i miss so many people. sad.